Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
