I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
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