Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
