Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
