Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
