I'm so fucking centered right now
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
My boob is missing a layer of skin
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
