what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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