I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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