My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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