I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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