Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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