R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
