theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
