Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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