She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
