Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
