I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
