I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
