never play flip cup with pint glasses
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
