You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
