Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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