I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
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