she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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