I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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