if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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