South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
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