so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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