apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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