I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Oh god it's open bar.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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