who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
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