Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
