It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
