We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
My bed smells like the plague
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
