Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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