I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
