what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
oh god was she eating orange peels again
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
