i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Randomize
