I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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