I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
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