Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
