The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
