my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
