Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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