Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
