My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
