dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
