just come out here and I will go home with you...
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
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What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
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it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
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