Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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