Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
