I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
