for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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