I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
