so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
