I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
