I heard we made out
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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