so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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