Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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