sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
