Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Randomize
