last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
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