If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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