I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Randomize
