it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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