shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
you traded sex for a burrito?
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I am one with the molecules
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
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