Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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