I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
