I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
The power of my boobs compel you
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
