i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
